I was born in the late 1970’s. I had two older sisters. My mom was a single mom. There were many rules and perceptions of life that my mom had (no judgment just facts) so we suffered all types of poverty such as living in my mom’s car, going from shelter to shelter, living in strangers homes and eating out of garbage cans. My mom was miserable. She hated men and she taught us to hate men too.
She would often leave me with my older sister who was a child molester, physically, emotionally and mentally abusive to me. In my mom’s mind she was desperate and I was the sacrifice she felt she had to make in order to survive. She would take off for months for some job in another city. Now, that I’m older I don’t believe for a second she didn’t know.
As a teenager I was very awkward, I never fit in. It was the beginning stages of being an empath. But, I had no one to shape me, who recognized it and helped me so I was odd, weird and an outcast all through my public education. Going to school was emotionally painful. I didn’t know that what I was feeling wasn’t my emotions but a mash of hundreds of other people. I didn’t figure that out until I became almost hospitalized in my 30’s from a nervous breakdown. It took a person that was also an empath and psychic to tell me of my gifts.
I was already doing tarot readings at that time. I just thought I was good at it and didn’t think there was nothing special about it. I was drawn to cards like I have never been drawn to anything in my life. I would study them over and over again. All night…all day for years.
When I was told I was an empath and she named all the things I was experiencing I cried. She also revealed my other gifts and the ones I hidden as a child. It was a huge relief. I wasn’t broken or a mistake God made.
I tried so hard to fit in as a human. You know that type of person; the one that gets good grades, popular or at least a few good friends growing up, go straight to college, get a good job, get married and have beautiful babies. Yeah, well none of that happened to me. I was rapped at 17, got pregnant at 19 but was pushed to have an abortion. I vowed to go to college….but I dropped out before my 2nd year. To avoid people, I soon went to college online and got two degrees. I was 9 months pregnant at 28 years old and right before my last two classes, I pushed through it anyway.
Then, I realized my failures were not because I wasn’t smart or lazy…something else was going on with me.
So, when I received more information about my abilities and who I really was, it made me more powerful. I then knew how to protect myself, that not being around people is ok sometimes because it just gets too overwhelming and I don’t expect other people to get it. I don’t expect even my abusive family to support or love me. To them I’m a witch. To them I do voodoo and cast spells – all because I do tarot readings. lol
I was outcast from my family too and threatened. Oh my gosh it hurt so bad. I hated myself for the longest. To have no one, is the most painful experience ever. You know what? The most supporting and loving people I have ever “met” were strangers I speak to everyday online. I grew a sister bond with one for 7 years and we never seen face to face.
Anywho…through years of not feeling worth more than shit scrapped off of someone shoes, I didn’t create good things for myself. I gained weight, my hair fell out, myself and my daughter were in and out of shelters and also lived with family that hated my guts.
Now I’m in my 40’s. I create from a magical place of forgiveness.. I also forgive myself. I stand in my greatness. That part is there when you let go of all that other crap. To have what you desire, you must first believe like you’ve never believed before that you are worth it. You must believe like your life depends on it. You must let go of all your pain and suffering. You must love yourself regardless of being molested, rape, outcast, beaten or emotionally destroyed. Use that pain and change it to triumph. Use that same depression, sadness and feelings of abandonment and rise! Use it and get the best revenge ever! Use your natural alchemy abilities to switch the shit out of your emotional heaviness and create from a place of deserving! You’ve been through enough! You don’t need not one more day of pain or suffering. You don’t need to be beaten again. STAND for yourself. The Universe Listens and the Universe Responds.
“From the depth of every tragedy RISES a powerful being like the fire of the unfed flame that radiates from the phoenix!”
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